Squeezing the Juice
Who Wants To Marry Kai Juicewalla? One life. Many loves, Endless (mis)adventures by Kainaz Jussawalla. Published in 2023 by Om Books International, A 12, Sector 64, Noida 201301. Pp: 407. Price: Rs 395.
She’s a whopper.
A born in Bandra, Mumbai-girlie,
with brains, boobs and avoirdupois
that she flaunts with pride
and a thick hide.
Irresistible, irresponsible, irascible,
but also more irrepressibly,
a Las Vegas style show-stopper.
Call her Kai, Kainaz, Juice, or Jussawalla (pictured).
She slides off the page with authentic Parsi patois
that includes invocations to atash behrams,
mystic revelations in her quest for power.
Exit rides as the cover shows her
riding bronco on a tail blazing jetliner,
knees crossed fingers flexed
on French fries and champagne flute,
Or to quote her favorite dictum:
"How to be classy, sassy, and bad assy”
While on a hunt for Red October.
Her CV will make you self-destruct
in an instant bheja-fry
tossing your brains in Polson butter.
Reiki Master, mental, dental, Insta friend,
raconteur, writer, chat show moderator,
"micro-influencer,” whatever that means
on social media, as the Intro tells it.
Next to sexy floxxy-moxy pixie smiling
Full page portrait the author reels
in another Bhakra-Bhakri in her best
Oprah Winfrey meets Adi Marzban style.
She’s more Miss Moneypenny,
Bond-style than the Readymoneys
She destroys with devious wiles.
Or the Soparivala aunties and their
oleaginous husbands with Octopussy fingers
that she sends into permanent exile,
breathing gaalis that could
shrivel any self-respecting male’s
chuddies, loathsome buddies
into quivering piles.
From correspondent on the lives
and loves of toy boys in tinsel town;
To captains of industry reclining business class
in the mile-high club, Kai has presented her
juice to the lot of them. She may confess
wanting to hug an SRK, but holds a candle
for the ever-green Dev Anand.
Sing along with Doris Day, while sobbing like a virgin
with the Madonnas of today.
So: what are you waiting for?
Jamwa Chalo ji. Khana, Peena, Nachna,
Kai Juicewalla has squeezed her life out,
laid out treats, Parsi-style extravagantly,
For every member of the family.
GEETA DOCTOR
Doctor, a longtime contributor to Parsiana, is a writer and critic.